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Contents of This Page

Name this "Company"  Word Efficiency  Letters  Too Much Coffee 

Chicago Cubs Facts  Hallmark Rejects  Some Zen    

 

Name this "Company": 

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:  
 
*29 have been accused of spousal abuse  
*7 have been arrested for fraud  
*19 have been accused of writing bad checks  
*117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least two businesses  
*3 have done time for assault  
*71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit  
*14 have been arrested on drug-related charges  
*8 have been arrested for shoplifting  
*21 are currently defendants in lawsuits  
*84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year  
 
Can you guess which organization this is?  
 
Give up yet?  
 
Its the 535 members of the United States Congress, the same group of  
idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.  
 

 
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Word Efficiency

Great Works of Efficiency  
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-  
 
- Pythagorean theorem:  
24 words  
 
- The Lord's Prayer:  
66 words.  
 
- Archimedes' Principle:  
67 words.  
 
- The 10 Commandments:  
179 words.  
 
- Lincoln's Gettysburg address:  
286 words.  
 
- The U.S. Declaration of Independence:  
1,300 words.  
 
- The U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage:  
26,911 words.  
 

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Letter From Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...  
The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk  
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that  
day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed  
by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my  
bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was  
stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and  
how good He is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good  
thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have  
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy  
behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and  
screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"  
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started  
honking I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at  
all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the  
love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard  
him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy  
waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.  
I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said  
that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.  
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window  
and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ...  
he was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people  
were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars  
and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what  
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.  
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through  
the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection  
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them  
after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of  
the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as  
I drove away.  
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!  
Love always,  
Grandma  
 

LETTER TO MOM AND DAD FROM COLLEGE

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been six months since I left for college. I'm sorry I haven't written more often and I'm very sorry for my unthoughtfulness. I'm sure you have been worried about me.

Let me bring you up to date, but before you read on, please sit down OK? Don't read any further unless you're sitting down.

OK? Good.

I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught on fire several months ago, are pretty much healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital! Mom always said the girls in our family heal fast.

In fact, I can almost see normally again and I only get headaches three times a day now.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by a gas station attendant who immediately called 911. He's so sweet. He even visited me in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute.

He really is a good person with a kind heart. We have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure that it will be before I start to show. That's right, Mom and Dad, I'm pregnant! I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know that you will give that baby the same love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was growing up.

We would get married now, but we both failed our premarital blood tests because of some minor infection. He told me about it beforehand, but dumb me, I carelessly caught it anyway. Not to worry though, the doctor said my daily penicillin injections should clear it up by next month.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious -- just like Dad!

Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I'm sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too! I am told that his father is an important gun bearer in his native African village. That's an important government position where he comes from. Well, I guess that's all! Now you know why I wanted you to sit down when you read this letter.

Now that I've brought you up to date, I just wanted to let you know there was no dormitory fire, I didn't suffer a concussion or a skull fracture, I wasn't in the hospital, I'm not pregnant, I'm not engaged, I don't have syphilis and there is no boyfriend of another race or religion in my life; however, I DID vote for Gov. Bush, and I just wanted you both to see this in its proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea
 

 

College Student and His Dad

------------------------------------------------------------
Letter sent by College student to his Dad
------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $oif you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love
Your $on


-----------------------------------------
Letter College student got
-----------------------------------------

Dear son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgrahy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love
Dad

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Too Much Coffee

You Know You're Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When:  
 
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.  
You help your dog chase its tail.  
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.  
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.  
You introduce your spouse as your "Coffeemate".  
You can jump-start your car without cables.  
Your tastebuds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.  
You've built a miniature city out of plastic stirrers.  
You don't sweat, you percolate.  
Your T-shirt says: "Decaffeinated coffee is the Devil's blend".  
You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.  
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.  
You get offended when people use the word "Brew" to describe beer.  
You chew on other peoples fingernails.  
When someone asks "How are you?", you respond: "Good to the last drop". 
 

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Chicago Cubs Facts:

Twenty major events that have occurred since the Cubbies last laid claim to a world series championship:  
 
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.  
 
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.  
 
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.  
 
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.  
 
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.  
 
6. Harry Caray was born . . . and died. Incredible, but true.  
 
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.  
 
8. Man landed on the moon.  
 
9. Seventeen U.S. presidents were elected.  
 
10. There were eleven amendments added to the Constitution.  
 
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.  
 
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.  
 
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.  
 
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.  
 
15. A combination of forty Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.  
 
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.  
 
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in style; disco did the same.  
 
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and Florida Marlins have all won the World Series.  
 
19. The Cubs played 14,335 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.  
 
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were admitted to the Union.  
 

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Hallmark Rejects

 
My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.  
When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!  
 
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.  
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.  
 
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one  
likes your wife."  
 
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such  
an ugly baby?"  
 
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone  
to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."  
 
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that  
you're not here to ruin it for me."  
   
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go,  
would you like to take this knife out of my back.  
 
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  
Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."  
 
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me  
for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."  
 
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."  
 
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in  
Mississippi)  
 

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Some Zen

SOME ZEN  
 
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  
Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.  
 
It is always darkest just before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,  
that is the time to do it.  
 
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you are not getting any.  
 
No one is listening until you make a mistake.  
 
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.  
 
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.  
 
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes.  
 
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.  
 
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he'll sit in a boat & drink beer all day.  
 
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.  
 
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.  
 
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.  
 
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.  
 
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.  
 
A closed mouth gathers no foot.  
 
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.  
 
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.  
 

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