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Alligator Warning  Worlds Easiest Quiz  Stuff You Need To Know  Stupidity  Actual Memos  Dummies Barbecuing  Cow Philosophies  For The Ladies #1  Fun with Oxymorons! 

Kennedy vs Lincoln  Living In 2001  Funny Quotes #1

 

Alligator Warning For New Yorkers

Subject: Alligator Safety Warning  
 
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising visitors from New York City to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while vacationing in Florida.  
They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their shoes or clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator. It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity.  
New Yorkers should learn to recognize the difference between small young alligator droppings and large adult alligator droppings.  
Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers.  
Adult alligator droppings smell like pepper spray and have little bells in them.  
 
 

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Worlds Easiest Quiz

World's Easiest Quiz  
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?  
2) Which country makes Panama hats?  
3) From which animal do we get catgut?  
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?  
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?  
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?  
7) What was King George VI's first name?  
8) What color is a purple finch?  
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?  
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?  
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ  
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years  
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador  
3) From which animal do we get catgut? Sheep and Horses  
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November  
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur  
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs  
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert  
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson  
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand  
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last? Thirty years  

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Stuff You Need To Know

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.  
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.  
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.  
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.  
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.  
There are more chickens than people in the world.  
Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.  
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".  
Almonds are a member of the peach family.  
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.  
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.  
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":  
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.  
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.  
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.  
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.  
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.  
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.  
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.  
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.  
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.  
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.  
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.  
Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister and was a sniper in Vietnam.  
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.  
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.  
"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.  
Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in "It's a Wonderful Life."  
 

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Stupidity

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport  
hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills.  
 
A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,  
seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.  
 
A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at  
encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's  
depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their  
rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he  
cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.  
 
The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for  
anyone detonating one within city limits.  
 
A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,  
fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.  
 

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Actual Memos

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the finalists:  
 
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."  
2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter."  
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."  
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."  
6. "My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected."  
7. "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."  
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."  
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."  
10. As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper.  
 

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Dummies

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?  
 
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police  
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked  
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he  
claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had  
drilled a 6- inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power  
drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.  
 
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough  
to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According  
to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend  
their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and  
painted deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the  
incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the  
views. Trips to the moon also available. "Authorities believe that the  
con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars."  
 
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed his  
college degree for his murder of three people. "There are too many  
business grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another field, all  
this may not have happened."  
 
 

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Barbecuing

Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:  
 
1. The woman goes to the store.  
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.  
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.  
4. The man places the meat on the grill.  
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.  
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.  
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.  
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.  
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.  
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.  

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Cow Philosophies

Political Philosophies Explained in Simple Two-Cow Terms  
 
SOCIALISM  
You have two cows.  
You keep one and give one to your neighbor.  
 
COMMUNISM  
You have two cows.  
The government takes them both and provides you with milk.  
 
FASCISM  
You have two cows.  
The government takes them and sells you the milk.  
 
BUREAUCRACY  
You have two cows.  
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.  
 
CAPITALISM  
You have two cows.  
You sell one and buy a bull.  
 
CORPORATE  
You have two cows.  
You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.  
 
DEMOCRACY  
You have two cows.  
The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.  
 
LIBERTARIANISM  
You have two cows.  
You shoot anyone who tries to take your cows.  

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For The Ladies #1

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?  
Both of them.  
 
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?  
He buys TWO cases of beer.  
 
What is the difference between men and government bonds?  
The bonds mature.  
 
Why are blonde jokes so short?  
So men can remember them.  
 
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?  
We don't know; it has never happened.  
 
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?  
They all already have boyfriends.  
 
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?  
A widow.  
 
Why are married women heavier than single women?  
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women see what's in bed and go to the fridge.  
 
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?  
They're married.  
 
 

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Fun with Oxymorons!

> > > FUN WITH OXYMORONS!  
> > >  
> > > Act naturally  
> > > Found missing  
> > > Resident alien  
> > > Advanced BASIC  
> > > Genuine imitation  
> > > Hospital food  
> > > Good grief  
> > > Same difference  
> > > Almost exactly  
> > > Government organization  
> > > Alone together  
> > > Legally drunk  
> > > Silent scream  
> > > Living dead  
> > > Small crowd  
> > > Business ethics  
> > > Soft rock  
> > > Military intelligence  
> > > Sweet sorrow  
> > > Synthetic natural gas  
> > > Passive aggression  
> > > Taped live  
> > > Clearly misunderstood  
> > > Peace force  
> > > Plastic glasses  
> > > Terribly pleased  
> > > Tight slacks  
> > > Definite maybe  
> > > Pretty ugly  
> > > Twelve-ounce pound cake  
> > > Diet ice cream  
> > > Working vacation  
> > > Exact estimate  
> > > Microsoft Works  

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Kennedy vs. Lincoln

- Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.  
 
- Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860. John F Kennedy was elected President in 1960.  
 
- The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.  
 
- Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.  
 
- Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.  
 
- Both presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.  
 
- Both were shot in the presence of their wives.  
 
- The secretary of each president warned them not to go to the theatre and to Dallas, respectively.  
 
- Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.  
 
- Both were assassinated by southerners. Both were succeeded by southerners. Both successors were named Johnson.  
 
- Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808. Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.  
 
- John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.  
 
- Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.  
 
- Both assassins were known by their three names. Both names have 15 letters.  
 
- Booth ran from the theatre and was captured in a warehouse.  
 
- Oswald ran from the warehouse and was captured in a theatre.  

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Living In 2001

SIGNS YOU LIVE IN THE YEAR 2001:  
 
1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.  
 
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.  
 
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"  
 
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.  
 
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.  
 
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.  
 
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.  
 
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.  
 
9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.  
 
10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.  
 
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it.  
 
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning.  
 
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.  
 
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.  
 
15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.  
 
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.  
 
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.  
 
18. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.  
 
19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.  
 
20. You disconnect from the internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.  
 
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.  
 
22. You wake up at 2am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.  
 
23.You start tilting your head sideways to smile.  

 

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Funny Quotes #1

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."  
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes  
 
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."  
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal  
 
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."  
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job  
 
"I didn't accept it. I received it."  
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan  
 
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."  
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US  
 
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."  
President Richard Nixon  
 
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."  
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign  
 
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."  
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.  
 
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."  
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane  
 
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."  
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia  
 
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."  
Knight-Ridder News Service dispatch  
 
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."  
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island  
 

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