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Contents of This Page
Weird Stats
Bad Jokes!
Never Say To A Cop
Who Reads What
Redneck Letter
Albert
Living in the 21st
Stupid penguin tricks
Got Grapes?
Job Interview
Weird Stats
3 people die each year testing if a 9 volt battery works on their tongue
142 people were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts
58 people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the lights
were still plugged in.
19 people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations
were edible.
101 people since 1997 have had broken parts of plastic toys removed from the
soles of their feet.
18 people suffered serious burns in 1998 trying on a new top with a lit
cigarette in their mouths.
543 people were hospitalized in the last two years after opening bottles of
beer with their teeth.
8 people cracked their skulls in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up
into the toilet.
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Bad Jokes
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
- Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
- Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
- They Take The PsychoPath.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
- Polaroids
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
- Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
- Quatro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
- Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
- Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
- A Nervous Wreck.
What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
- Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
- Right Where You Left Him.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
- Sanka.
How Are A Florida Hurricane And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
- Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
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Things You Should Never Say To A Cop
THE TOP TEN THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER
10) Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
9) Say, aren't you the guy from the Village People?
8) Wow, you must've been doing about 125 just to keep up... good job!
7) You know, I thought you had to be in reasonably good physical condition to be
a cop.
6) Are you Andy or Barney?
5) Hey, I pay your salary.
4) You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
3) Gee thanks, the last officer only gave me a warning too!
2) Sorry I didn't pull over sooner, last week my wife ran away with a cop and I
thought you were bringing her back.
1) When the officer asks: "Your eyes are red, have you been drinking?",
don't
say: "Gee officer, your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?"
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Who Reads What
Who reads what?
1.The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2.The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3.The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the
country.
4.USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't understand the Washington Post.
5.The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
6.The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7.The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's
running the country.
8.The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the
country, as long as they do something scandalous.
9.The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is
a country, or that anyone is running it.
10.The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country.
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Redneck Letter
Dear Son,
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that
they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the
chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only
rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second
time for four days.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister
had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I
don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your
brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him
cremated and he burned for three days. There isn't much more news at
this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already
sealed.
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Albert
In the supermarket was a man pushing a cart
which contained a screaming,
bellowing baby. The gentleman kept repeating
softly, "Don't get excited,
Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell,
Albert; keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You
certainly are to be commended
for trying to soothe your son Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert."
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Living in the 21st
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and
he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage
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Stupid penguin tricks
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the
Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting
that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a
beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge.
Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go
by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in
the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and
overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto
their backs.
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Got Grapes?
This duck walks into a convenience store and
asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next
day, the duck returns and asks,
"Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says
no, and the duck leaves. The day
after that, the duck walks in the store again
and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in
here the past two days and asked
if we had any grapes. I told you no every time
that we don't have any grapes!
I swear if you come back in here again, and ask
for grapes, I'll nail your
webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and
returned the next day. This time
he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said,
"Good! Got any grapes?"
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Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young
Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching
retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
-- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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